i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
