i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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