hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
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We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
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just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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