shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
