someone get that fucking seahorse.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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