The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
