speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
