Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I love you.
Bad choice
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
