Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
