yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
