Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
