What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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