i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
