I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
