I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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