I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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