Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize