I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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