Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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