btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
