The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
