if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
