i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
