It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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