gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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