drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
