Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
