I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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