I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
