i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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