If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
