Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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