I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
