Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
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But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
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As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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