he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
