she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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