Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
