I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
no, he came in my armpit
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
