I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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