your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Couch. On fire.
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