Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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