There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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