I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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