I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
