i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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