Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
