Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
