Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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