She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
