WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
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Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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