Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
