It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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