so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
