i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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