Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
