there's paper in my vomit.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
