i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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