The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
